Blog focus: Looking at embracing the genuine light and dark side of us all, as a whole person, through understanding our unique selves and embracing a new way of thinking through choices in the real world.
‘This too shall pass’
Positive people are happy people aren’t they? They’re always happy and smiling. Not so. But it doesn’t mean that those who smile are fake. It’s deeper than that isn’t it?
Maybe some people are just born positive by nature, and sometimes the happiest are the ones whom have been through the worst and come out the other side, with strong appreciation. Isn’t this true? Because taking life lighter is sometimes the only way to deal with some things. This realisation and appreciation of life then this becomes a habit. Maybe this has happened to you, or maybe you are going through something difficult right now.
When you are down you have two choices; you keep going down or you choose to come out of it, and each one has their own limit and messages that encourages that choice. When you find that, and you want to come out of it, you find a way to see things differently.
With a learning and development industry background I do believe that sometimes, learning and growing is also connected to some element of pain. It doesn’t have to be extreme, but maybe sometimes uncomfortable or frustrating; being out of the comfort zone (whether physical or emotional, or otherwise). Sometimes when things are at the worst, it’s often the cusp of something wonderful that is about to happen. Yet it should be mentioned that there is a difference between growing pains and unacceptable pain.
No one can really advise you. No one can help you understand a situation. They can walk you to the door, hand you the key, even unlock it for you and open it, but only you can walk through it. You have to experience it. Can someone tell you about how love feels if they have never been in love? It’s not tangible, and no one can tell you what a broken heart feels like either, even with in depth description. Life is experiencing.
After each experience in our lives somehow after it there is more calm; with learning comes growth, comes an understanding. But only with a conscious awareness can we see these as opportunities. How many times have we been told to ‘find the learning and growth in this?’ At the time it can feel nearly impossible but when we look back, it’s the truth. Think about that and your own experiences. If we can’t find the learning, healing or growth while we are in it, then we have to hope there’s a rainbow at the end of the storm. For me I don’t say ‘the calm before the storm’, I say ‘the storm before the rainbow’.
We have to have faith and hope. I look at life like the waves of an ocean. When I lived near the ocean, I would sit and look out and find answers in what I see.
One day I realised what a metaphor it was for life. When we think about the ocean it has so many meanings and analogies. The waves will always come regardless, up and down. They never stop, not for a second. Sometimes they are high, sometimes low and sometimes misleading; they look big but it’s nothing, or they look small and then come out of nowhere and knock you down. Sometimes, you jump over the waves and sometimes you dive under, you make a call.
Maybe sometimes you just sit on the shore looking at the waves, and sometime you run in confidently with a friend, laughing and getting knocked down together. When the sea is calm, you might float upside down, silencing out the world with a gentle smile. Some might say it’s too cold to get in and nervously flick water on themselves, easing themselves in, some say the water is lovely, calling out to the others and encouraging them to get it ‘it’s ok when you get in’. Do you wade in or do you jump? Do you watch while they others take the risk? Do you use it to observe the beauty of a sunset, alone or with a loved one? There is no right or wrong, and every day is different, you are different.
You choose. It’s your choice. Everything is about choice, including how we react and feel. It’s about finding your way, getting to know yourself; increasing awareness and choosing whether or not to be influenced by others or not. It’s about assessing whether the pain is growing pains or if it is unnecessary pain. The waves are always there, and so too are the choices. The waves will still come. Who or what these waves are, we might not yet know, but our approach to them is what is important because anyway they will come. And the sun goes up and comes down the waves will go up and go down, the tide will come in no end go out. The key is maintain that neutrality in all instances, that inner peace and calm.
I used to be more fiery than now, after some awareness I am more calm. For example, I used to curse erratic idiot drivers diving on the roads, moving in and out of lanes and showing off the size of their engine, which was the norm when I was living in Dubai. Until one day, I was driving to work to meet by strict deadline of an 8:00am start, preferably 07:50 in the company I worked for. I would have rather risk racing to work and getting a ticket, or worse, than arriving at 8:01 with the unwelcoming unfortunate consequences of being late.
As I was beeped at by one or two drivers, I shouted back from the protection of my metal cage, ‘WHHAAATTTTT!’…. and simultaneously I squirmed down in my seat as I realised that I was that idiot on the road that people were cursing at this time! At this, I was able to feel some compassion for others behaviour, not just on the road but in other scenarios. As I buy petrol, clothes, step into an elevator, experience someone else’s bad energy in a meeting. I began to wonder what their story was, could my experiences be a series of me misunderstanding people and people misunderstanding me, and I became more compassionate and less judgemental. Regardless of how I was treated, at least I wanted to treat others well and at least trust that this was the case. ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about, be kind, always’.
This blog came to my mind when I was asked to give speech on positive thinking to a group of managers, and it got me thinking deeply on what is positive thinking. It was a day that I was not in a positive mood. And even though many people tell me I’m positive, it isn’t always so. It has been a development of habitual process of my own journey. What I came to conclude is something that can apply to all. The key is to have a conscious awareness about making choices in many ways, but as a starting point about choosing to rewire a belief pattern or thoughts which influences emotions and therefore behaviour and in turn actions and therefore, your life.
I wondered, was I then a fraud in my own projection of positivity? So then what is positive thinking anyway? What does it mean to you? How? Perhaps appreciation, acts of kindness, seeing with compassion. But again, I could say it, but it doesn’t mean anything without walking through the door. Words are guidance with the comfort that we are not alone in this inner battle; we each need to find our own way, but recognise it’s a choice. What I discovered was that positive people are not always positive. Therefore those on the quest to positive thinking can fall into a cycle of guilt or failure when they feel sad. But it’s not human to be positive all the time. We are build up of emotions, light and dark and it’s about accepting all of us, which make us whole. It’s also about working with them, and not against them.
So how do ‘positive people’ do this differently? When they feel down (which is a completely normal – we have a spectrum of emotions for a reason to guide us) there are a couple of actions they do:
They get back to feeling positive more quickly because they know themselves; how to switch the light back through self-awareness and how to do prevent and recognise when their own downward spiral.
It’s also about prevention of feeling bad (risk assessment) and making new life choices, in terms of what they do and how they think and making that into a habit. They are conscious of the feeling and objectively see it is a separate entity to themselves. Non-attachment
I realised that anyway you get over it; the wave goes. So you may as well get over it faster if it’s a small thing. If it’s a big thing, avoid making it worse by feeling bad that you feel bad! Feel genuine compassion for yourself and issue/ person involved. Move yourself onto the positive spiral.
Behind every behaviour is somewhere a positive intention. It doesn’t excuse a behaviour but it gives some understanding around it, and we can all be that idiot in the car, at different times. We all have similar fears and anxieties behind the mask we put on. No matter how cultured, mature, professionally experienced, educated or spiritually developed; the trick is to find some release through compassion and choice. Emotion means ‘to move out’. It’s about self-leadership; bringing peace and balance to yourself, leading by example to support others who are experiencing their own turmoils.
So my questions to you are:
What will you choose to think?
What will you choose to do?
What have you done to become self aware
What can you chose to do today?
Try to be the one person who considers that the other perspective, not the one that adds to it. The gift of giving is the fastest way to feeling positive and that can be done every day, even with a genuine warm smile.